Wednesday, January 24, 2007 . 10:57 PM

Auntie Agony Me

I was feeling a bit bored, what with doing economics and imagining the magnitude of the earthquake that Micheal Tay would produce when he does a no handed cartwheel, that I decided to fufill lame Xin's wish for me to have an Auntie Agony column so... Here I present Auntie Dawn's column:

Dear Auntie Dawn,
I have a super sad life. Every day, I go to school, study, go home, study, sleep, wake up, and study again. I have no friends and I am a total loser; I can't speak in front of an audience of more than two. When I speak one-to-one, I whisper in such a minute voice purely dedicated to the ants crawling on the wall. I am a guy who have a nerdy bowl-shaped haircut and thick spectacles with thicker black frames. I study as if studying is my life but I get no more than E for every subject and my GP is a constant U. The girls who I like all snub me and the only person who likes me is a squeaky-voiced sissy. I'm so depressed that I wanna end my life, but I'm scared of pain and I can't swallow pills. Help me salvage my pathetic life, Auntie Dawn!

Sincerely,
SaDxx BoibOixXx

Dear SaDxx BoibOixXx,
Let me be frank: I agree, you are a total loser. You have no social life, suck at your schoolwork, and look worse than a hermit in a cave. Girls shun you, teachers (probably) pity you more than anything, and the only thing you attract is... Well, let's not get sensitive here. But anyways, don't cut your drip tube yet, all is not lost. There is hope yet. You should start with a visit to a hair salon. And I mean the $50 per haircut kind, not the $2 one. Then go buy contacts (constantly pushing up your specs up your slimy, sweaty nose is just NOT the least attractive), or if you want a hippier look, get the in spectacles now. What kind? Don't ask me, I'm not a fashion consultant, go buy a magazine and check it out!

Back pockets starting to hurt? The next step is to get a job, unless you are super rich, in which case I don't understand why are you in this pitiful state right now. Then, get more stylish clothes and voice-training lessons. If you don't have enough money, just shout in your bedroom every morning. Don't blame me if your mum checks you into a room in Woodbridge.

Anyways, once you're done with all that, the girls should start throwing themselves at you. For added impact, shout (here's where all that voice training comes handy) at the sissy chasing after you (most preferably when the girls are drooling around you) and tell him to **** off. This will surely up your cool factor to breaking point and you'll get even more girls chasing after you. Without a doubt, if you follow this sure-win formula, I can guarantee you the position of the most popular guy in school. Err... How about your studies you ask? Well, who needs grades when you are the most popular guy in school?

Till later,
Auntie Dawn :)

Was that good or what? I think I've just cemented my place in the newsletter as Auntie Dawn. XD Ok, I know there'll be endless poking fun at me after this. >.< What I sacrifice for you, my friends...

Disclaimer: Auntie Dawn does not support euthanasia of any form, even if you are truly a total loser.