Friday, January 26, 2007 . 10:21 PM
Super bored me
Yeah, I feel so bored, and my eyelids feel like closing anytime soon, but I still don't wanna sleep. I wanna write another Auntie Dawn column! XD Since no one will write one to me, I shall have to write another one by myself again. Make way for Auntie Dawn!
Dear Auntie Dawn,
I don't know anyone who has a more complicated love life than me. To start off, I'm a guy who likes my senior and my classmate A, but they are both straight and male A likes female classmate B who actually likes female classmate C. Female C's sexual preference is ambiguous, but she might like our female math teacher. The math teacher makes me uneasy because she likes massaging my back whenever she thinks no one is looking. And recently I think I might have a crush on the handsome young son of the canteen hawker. (Oh, straight guys are SO sexy!) And yesterday, female classmate C told me that the couple D in our class are breaking up because apparently female D has fallen in love with me but male D refuses to let go. I have no idea how to untangle this horribly twisted relationship! I'll be eternally grateful to you for helping me sort out my life!
Love XOXO muackx muackx!
Confused Donald
Dear Confused Donald,
That is one screwed up class you have there. I haven't seen such a messy triangle, oh, since the last beach party I went to. There were girls all over guys and guys all over girls who were over more guys over guys and... Oh blast it, I shan't go on.
To get to the point, your whole relationship thing is one gigantic dead knot. And what do you do to knots? Why, you cut it of course! So to cut yourself off from this mess, go fly to Burma and sit in a temple atop a hill surrounded by nothing but more hills. Shave your head; become a monk and clear your mind of all unclean thoughts. Eat nothing but tofu and do nothing but read scriptures. By the end of a month, I can guarantee you'll be 100% asexual and interested in neither sex at all. I dare say you can look at Cloud (ooo sexy Cloud! ^^) and be no more aroused than if you were looking at a piece of tofu. A piece of sexy white tofu that melts in your mouth.
Anyway when you return to your class, you'll be fully armed to sort out the mess that is your class. Start off by pairing your teacher with the young hawker boy. Don't worry, this kind of older female relationships are all the rage now. And if I were you, I would just sent the rest of your class to Burma to read scriptures and cleanse their minds. Kids nowadays! Messing around with relationships when you should be studying! Anyways, by the end of their stint in the temple, you will have a fully reformed, untangled class, all thanks to me!
Tata,
Auntie Dawn
Blah, me no think that was as good as the last one, because i just kept writing rubbish in the letter and it ended up a mess and literally a whole knot of rubbish. XDDD