Friday, March 28, 2008 . 11:37 PM
Yet another Auntie Dawn column
No one responded to my advert for a letter cos everyone was lazy, but nonetheless! inspiration finally struck me in the shower and I knew how to write the next letter! So here it is! Oh yes, I dedicate the product of my bathroom inspiration to Yong Xinxin, whose birthday is tomorrow! Happy Birthday!
Dear Auntie Dawn,
After much deliberation, I have come forth to entreat help for my friend. He, who shall remain unnamed, has terrible body odour. It's so distinct, you can smell him before he turns round the corner. It is also why he's awfully lousy at scaring people from behind - he succeeds only when the above mentioned people have blocked noses. The worst part of it all is that he has no self awareness. No one has yet attempted to convey this message because while he is incredibly unself-conscious, he is also incredibly sensitive and has a terrible temper.
In any case, the last straw came when he recently confided in me (while I was facing the other direction pretending to be absorbed in trying to suck out the last pearl in my cup of bubble tea) his troubled love life. He had attempted to drop hints about his love to this popular, pretty, desirable girl he fancies, but she just scrunched up her nose and walked away. The situation is now dire as he cries often now (and his tears are very smelly), thus I have come to you for help, because (disregarding the fact that it was disgusting how I forced myself to eat pearls while he was talking to me) he needs to stop embarrassing himself like this. I care because after all, he is my friend, and I should help him even if he is unconscious of the shame he is bringing to himself (and the fact that his best only friend is losing his sense of smell). So please teach me how to break the news of his B.O. to him in the gentlest way possible, as well as cure it, and save his love life!
Save my nose!
Mr. B.O.'s Friend
Dear Mr. B.O.'s Friend,
I must say, you are a truly devoted friend! Either that, or you too have B.O. and so only you two can stand each other. Naw, just kidding! No, not really. You should double check. I has seriously no idea why you have written to moi instead of to a doctor's advice column, but since you implore and beseech me to help you help him, I will do so!
Most people would advise your friend to bathe more, eat more veggies, drink more water and all that health nut advice. But Auntie Dawn goes the extra mile! Since your friend doesn't believe there's anything wrong with him at all, such advice won't work in the first place! So I shall provide you with the catalyst to trigger the process! Instead of fruitlessly wasting your time on turning him towards the light, get others to do the work for you! Start handing out nose pegs to everyone in his vicinity (or if you are low on cash, wooden pegs will do!*). Make it a priority to give one peg to the girl he fancies to make the hint even more blatant! Then leave B.O. solution printouts lying around; his subconscious will kick in and put two and two together. He can then see the light and cure his own condition! Yes, only Auntie Dawn can teach you how to solve a problem without doing anything at all!
With the smelly problem now out of the way, let's tackle his love life now! Ok, so you say the girl in question is popular, pretty, desirable... ... Well then, to hell with your friend; throw him aside, you should go chase after this girl yourself! Take all my B.O. advice for yourself and go for it! Sorry, I keep assuming you have B.O.; but you know what they say, birds of a feather flock together. Then not only will you save your sense of smell, you'll snag a girl too! Auntie Dawn gives you her blessings!
Yours fragrantly,
Auntie Dawn
*Disclaimer by editor: The Auntie Dawn Column is not responsible for any splinters that might get stuck in noses, suffocation, or any uncomfort experienced. Nor are we responsible should you decide to stick said pegs in inappropriate places.