Wednesday, April 23, 2008 . 10:33 PM
Confused?
I wanna learn web design after A levels. I wanna make lots and lotsa layouts! Ok anyways, I know this letter has nothing to do with red underwear, but that's the next letter. I know all of you are dying to read about red underwear, dong cha?
Dear Auntie Dawn,
I'm in love with my civics rep. When I look into her eyes, I see pure, overflowing love in it. It doesn't matter that that happens only coincidentally when she gives announcements. Because I know when she looks away and go back to her seat to continue her math homework, she is thinking of me. When I'm not looking at her, I know she's gazing at me, but when I look up, I see her pretend to be hard at work. I know she is merely too shy to meet my eye. When she chats with her popular, sporty guy friends, I know she is trying to make me jealous, even though we are at the opposite ends of the canteen. I know she loves me because I love her! I don't care that the whole class avoids me and thinks me oily and nerdy, because I have her love! She, the belle of the class, with dark jewels for eyes, with lips of rose, loves me! I know it!
Then why oh why, Auntie Dawn, does she refuse to admit her love for me! Do impart your wisdom to me, Auntie Dawn!
Ever grateful,
Confused Lovebird
Dear Confused Lovebird,
Ah ah ahhh, aren't they all? Confused, I mean. Eh hehe... But darling, you aren't confused; you're delusional! There is no evidence of her love to work with at all! When EVER did she expressed the slightest interest in you? Her passing you worksheets in class does NOT constitute her passionate, undying love for you. Nor does a glance in your direction give her a heady rush of oxytocin-induced exhilaration! Dearie dear me, this here is the most severe case of hallucination I've ever witnesssed! But luckily, you have written to Auntie Dawn for help! I'll return you to your senses soon enough, just you wait.
It's quite simple actually; just follow my instructions to a tee. Pick a nice breezy day, and make sure your classmates are all seated at their seats. While the sunshine of your life is making announcements, get up from your seat, approach her and kiss her full on the lips. Her popular, sporty guy friends - assumedly strong too - will no doubt rush to her rescue and beat you to a bloody pulp. That's why the halcyon weather is absolutely essential, because rain can make broken bones ache like hell. Yes I know, my thoughtfulness makes you want to cry. But then again, it could serve to reinforce the message that alas, you and her are not meant to be. Her subsequent attitude towards you shouldn't hurt the cause either. Ahhh monster!!! If you have the smallest modicum of sanity, you should be effectively reformed via Auntie Dawn's excellent advice!
But, no! No, you say! Pain and broken bones will not deter you from your path of love! Well then, my heart bleeds for you and all, but get over it already. Reality is harsh. However, if for some masochistic reason you still desire her love, go ahead and confess, then check yourself in Woodbridge before you get beaten up again. And don't you dare come out until you've accepted reality, you weirdo. Employ yourself in more useful activities, like counting your toes or banging your head against the cushioned wall of your white, padded room. Auntie Dawn assures you that after your stay in Woodbridge, you'll be more in love with your toes than your civics rep. So leave the poor girl alone from now on and stop traumatising her with your oily presence.
Teh great hallucination-buster,
Auntie Dawn
Think I'm going to take a hiatus from Auntie Dawn soon to regain the Auntie Dawn humour.