Wednesday, August 06, 2008 . 11:06 PM
Pan Tee?
I shall make this short cos I'm rushed for time.Auntie Dawn is back from hiatus! xD Enjoy!
Dear Auntie Dawn,
I have a confession to make. I have an unhealthy, unholy, but not at all unhappy fetish for underwear. (^_^) Female underwear. I collect panties like how my friend collect female hair. Which is to say I do that a lot. My panty collection so far includes lacy, red underwear, ruffly G-strings, holey panties and oh oh oH OH! My favourite one is the white one with pink bunnies stitched on it! It even has a white bunny tail at the back!! And the fron- No! Auntie Dawn! You must save me from the unholy clutches of this obsession! I'm desperate!!
Help needed,
Mr. Pan Tee
Dear Mr. Pan Tee,
My favourite pair of underwear is actually green and frilly in front and has lovely sequins stitched on it BUT NO YOU CANNOT HAVE IT! AHA! That was a test to gauge the severity of your reaction! Now according to the degree of your response, choose a suitable course of action from the list below and follow its instructions:
1. You start having images of green, fully detailed underwear in your head. If so, wash your eyes out with Dettol to clear your vision of dirty images. (Disclaimer: Auntie Dawn is not responsible for any side effects this might cause, say oh, blindness.)
2. You start to have sick fantasies of adding said underwear to your mountainous collection of panties and revel in fancies of swimming in soft silky underwear. Atone for your sin by plucking all your body hair until you are clothed in nothing but your shame. Now go swim along that stretch of bacteria-infected water at Pasir Ris Beach, and let the bateria swim into your enlarged pores until inflamed. I hope you itch.
3. You salivate and experience an increased heartbeat, breathlessness and dizziness. You start to be unable to tell fantasies from reality. You go outside and run amok, looking up at skirts and grabbing at jeans to hunt for green underwear. In such a situation, wait for death. Good riddance. And wipe that sick smiley emoticon off your face.
And since you are going to die soon anyways, you might as well leave me that oh-so-cute bunny underwear in your will as payment for my advice. You have Auntie Dawn's thanks!
Yours gratefully,
Auntie Dawn