Saturday, March 27, 2010 . 8:03 PM
dawn dawn
I realise I have an unpublished Auntie Dawn letter which I finished a long time ago, so I might as well post it.
Dear Auntie Dawn,
I got a lot of problems leh, you must help me. I live at Bukit Gombak, then got a lot of people like to disturb me. Like my next-door neighbour, she see me go market then buy a lot of pandan leaves very cheap, then she keep telling me to tell her! Not say I don't want to say lah hor, but then if I tell her then the seller got a lot of business then won't give me extra leaves liao right! And the next-next-door neighbour, every night play mahjong so noisy then sing karaoke, then I tell them don't so loud they go scold me bad word. Say them sing like crow like that they don't like. Tsk. Then my Ah Girl hor, nowadays say got what SYF performance, then every day stay in school until 9pm then come back. I scared she outside secretly go pak-tor then love love love don't study then die liao loh. How ah? Aiyoh, very paiseh leh, I ownself Auntie liao still call you Auntie. But then I need help, help me can?Auntie Dawn
Dear Auntie Dawn,
Auntie Xiao
P.S. You so nice help me, I tell you where I buy my pandan leaves! At Bukit Batok Market there only 50 cents per kg, cheap hor??
Dear Auntie Xiao,
Well you can always call me Miss Dawn, I am yet very young and charming and very much a man-and-sometimes-babe-magnet still. I can see you are very perturbed by your problems, but this is Auntie Dawn you are talking to! Auntie Dawn always have an answer for you!Let's start with your daughter. It is SUCH a pressing problem! There is no way school can suck so much life out of your daughter that she has to come home at 9pm every night. You must hire a PI to follow your daughter after school! I recommend:
A. Dawn PI Solutions Pte. Ltd., your answer to paranoia generated by too much free time! We offer the latest technologies employed by FBI agents! Only $5000 per day! Call in today and we'll even provide top-notch coercing techniques fine-tuned by world-class private moneylenders to deal with any inconvenient entities!
(Disclaimer: This is an unbiased, non-profit-based recommendation)
The solution to your remaining problems is to buy 500 kg of pandan leaves. The pandan-leaf seller will then be so grateful to you for buying up his stock for like, the next 5 years, that he'll do whatever you say. Tell him to sell your neighbour pandan leaves for $5 per kg, and when she asks, "Why so expensive?!", he should say, "'Cos you smell like smelly tofu" while giving a most deranged look of insanity. Best followed by maniacal laughter. There should also be flashing lights and thunder. Your neighbour will certainly run away in fright, and as an added bonus, she'll hate/fear you for the rest of her life and won't ask you about pandan leaves again.
So now you've got a whole mound of pandan leaves in your home, you need to put them to good use! Cook a pot of bo bo cha cha, using 0.5 kgs of pandan leaves, 2 litres of coconut milk, 500g each of sweet potato and yam and liberal amounts of sugar and arsenic. Bring it over to your next-next-door neighbour, because "you must be so tired out by mahjong and loud karaoke, this is to soothe your tired throat and rejuvenate you for another night of fun!" I guarantee that by the time you walk back to your apartment, the only sounds you'll hear will be the satisfying thumps of falling bodies. Don't worry about neighbours reporting you, they'll probably be too grateful to you for getting rid of the residential nuisance. Use 10 kgs of pandan leaves to make some perfume though. 'Cos corpses stink real bad.
Forever 21,
Auntie Dawn